There's been a whole spate of "Twue Doms are Charming Gentlemen" (because teh wommenz and genderqueers can never be doms amirite?) posts on Kinky and Popular lately, and it's annoying me enough that I want to word vomit on here. I am picking on this K&P post by WPEx 92M Switch because I am lazy, and it is convenient, although this post is by no means the only or worse offender. It's emblematic of an argument I'm going to call the..."No Twue Dom" argument, in a less-than-creative riff on the fallacy of the No True Scotsman.
(Two points of reference: if you don't know what the No True Scotsman fallacy is, I give you the power of wikipedia, which explains it far better than I could. Second point of reference: the BDSM community has a tendency to use "twue" to signal derisive mocking of those purporting some essentialized version of BDSM, usually D/s. While I love me some mocking of essential-izers, unfortunately the "Oh yes you're a twueeee dom" line seems to crop up mostly in arguments about who the "most awesomest and kinkiestestest" dom or sub is. I'd like to see it in (the currently non-existent) discussions about problematic assumptions within the Community. But whatever, we all know that my standards are too high.)
So anyway, this argument goes something like, "Twue doms are safe, care about your safety, and never take advantage of you." This guy doesn't seem to specifically go into the "Doms are also all male gentlemen protecting those wee little lamblike subbie girlies," although he does use masculine pronouns to refer to the "asshole" and does not affix the gender-inflection "me" onto Dom at any point. (I guess somewhere along the line people tried to femme up "Dom" by making it "Domme," and while I have nothing against femme-ing things up, the effect has been that "Dom," the default term for a d-type or toppy-type, has come to signal a male BDSMer almost exclusively, thereby making the default d-type appear to be male. When referring to both genders, now people have to write Dom/me. Or anyway, that's my circuitous way of explaining it.) So anyway, right off the bat there's this gross misogynistic narrative of "TWUE MANLY MEN PROTECT TEH WOMMENZ" into this argument that "TWUE DOMLY DOM PROTECT TEH WOMMENZ," although of course it's all encoded and implicit and quiet-like. So that if someone like me complains, dude can be all, "FEMINISTS WHY U SO SENSITIVE?"
So let's turn to the text now. I give you: You're not a Dom. You're an asshole.
(Two points of reference: if you don't know what the No True Scotsman fallacy is, I give you the power of wikipedia, which explains it far better than I could. Second point of reference: the BDSM community has a tendency to use "twue" to signal derisive mocking of those purporting some essentialized version of BDSM, usually D/s. While I love me some mocking of essential-izers, unfortunately the "Oh yes you're a twueeee dom" line seems to crop up mostly in arguments about who the "most awesomest and kinkiestestest" dom or sub is. I'd like to see it in (the currently non-existent) discussions about problematic assumptions within the Community. But whatever, we all know that my standards are too high.)
So anyway, this argument goes something like, "Twue doms are safe, care about your safety, and never take advantage of you." This guy doesn't seem to specifically go into the "Doms are also all male gentlemen protecting those wee little lamblike subbie girlies," although he does use masculine pronouns to refer to the "asshole" and does not affix the gender-inflection "me" onto Dom at any point. (I guess somewhere along the line people tried to femme up "Dom" by making it "Domme," and while I have nothing against femme-ing things up, the effect has been that "Dom," the default term for a d-type or toppy-type, has come to signal a male BDSMer almost exclusively, thereby making the default d-type appear to be male. When referring to both genders, now people have to write Dom/me. Or anyway, that's my circuitous way of explaining it.) So anyway, right off the bat there's this gross misogynistic narrative of "TWUE MANLY MEN PROTECT TEH WOMMENZ" into this argument that "TWUE DOMLY DOM PROTECT TEH WOMMENZ," although of course it's all encoded and implicit and quiet-like. So that if someone like me complains, dude can be all, "FEMINISTS WHY U SO SENSITIVE?"
So let's turn to the text now. I give you: You're not a Dom. You're an asshole.
You're not a Dom. You're an asshole.
I've been in, out and around the fet scene for longer than I care to say. I've watched interactions between fetishists, Doms, subs, tops, bottoms and everything in between. I've felt the urge to write about this particular annoyance of mine for some time. I've read other peoples comments and journals, but I thought I would add my two cents as well.
So we start off with the "No Twue Scotsman" thing in the first two lines. Great, at least I know what direction the bullshit will be flying from early off. Now we establish the "I know everything, I'm this awesome ass Dom who REALLY GETS the Scene, amirite?" line. I see it all the time, I tend to see it from male Doms, it annoys me. Stop it. You're not that great.
But what I really what to point out here is this sentence: his particular annoyance of mine for some time. Our author goes on to be very specific about the type of asshole he is talking about. He's not talking about "that guy who takes shits in the punch bowl and won't clean it up." He's talking about predators. Rapists. Serial abusers. People who leave their victims physically and emotionally scarred. Look at the text:
But what I really what to point out here is this sentence: his particular annoyance of mine for some time. Our author goes on to be very specific about the type of asshole he is talking about. He's not talking about "that guy who takes shits in the punch bowl and won't clean it up." He's talking about predators. Rapists. Serial abusers. People who leave their victims physically and emotionally scarred. Look at the text:
They're the ones who will sit watching others and calculating who they can prey on. Or they will be overly friendly as they figure out the best way to quickly gain trust and move in for the kill. To them it's a game of command and conquer.
and later, more explicitly...
I've seen assholes force a newbie into a situation that left them bleeding, weeping, discarded and one step short of raped after only a brief email exchange. We've all heard horror stories where suspensions have gone terribly wrong from over confident and clueless assholes, where people have been left permanently disfigured and where the emotional damage has taken years to repair because of these situations. (emphasis mine)
You know, when I want to speak out against these guys and girls, it's usually because, um, THEY ARE CAUSING PEOPLE TO BLEED AND WEEP, AND THEY ARE RAPING THEM, PERMANENTLY DISFIGURING THEM, AND LEAVING THEM WITH EMOTIONAL DAMAGE THAT HAS TAKEN YEARS TO REPAIR. Not because it "annoys" me. Because I'm a twue Dom, and they're not, and I'm a gentlemen, and I scorn these people. This guy is clearly living in a world where he could look at these predators and shitstains and his thought can be "this annoys me, because it's not real BDSM," and not, "Holy shit, I could be their next target, what can I or we do?" Because he's not vulnerable. He's the knight in shining armor saving us from these predators. He's a guy who can rest in all his cozy little Dom-privilege and say this to the devastated "newbie:"
TThe newbie will think that this is how it is and that it's normal. It's not. You've been used. By an asshole.
Hey, asshole (yeah you, writer, not the predators mentioned in the article): try ABused. Raped. Assaulted. "Permanently disfigured." You make it sound like these assholes are prom kings dating some freshman because the fresher is pretty and rich and he wants to look cool and ride in her dad's car. That is "USING." THE PEOPLE YOU ARE DESCRIBING *AB*USE. Stop downplaying it, asshole. Don't say shit like this:
This particular behaviour is exceptionally loathsome to me. Contempt for other people is contemptuous in itself. (Emphasis mine)
I'm glad it's so "loathesome to YOU," and that it's so contemptuous. I see this more as a crime against someone's autonomy, safety, and humanity, but WHATEVS. Like, I really can't get over how flippantly this guy feels about these "assholes." For one, they're really not assholes, they're PREDATORS. They're not an annoyance, they're a public menace. And they're not something I can pompously condemn as some "loathsome" and "contemptuous" lowlife, they're an active danger that is so pervasive and so problematic that it has driven me away from the public BDSM scene. Someone on a re-posted version of the article explains it succinctly:
Unfortunately, I have been subjected to this many times when I 1st came into the scene. They were relentless, and you really do feel hunted like prey in person and online. They crowd your personal space (even try to touch you) and try to sweet talk you but it comes off and feels horribly sleazy & gross. I had treated them like I would any unknown person- moving away if they get too close, and standing my ground when I detect them coming on to me like I'm a brainless moo-cow. It surprised them that I was in fact very strong-minded, aware, and independent and like [redacted] said, they were very vocal and verbally abusive when I didn't fall for their bullshit. I responded by cussing them the hell out and blocking their pathetic ass.
That's not even to mention the ugly whiff of victim-blaming in the post. Check it out:
Not all people who are emotionally vulnerable or newbies fall prey to the asshole. Many are smarter than that. (emphasis added)
HAHA GET IT ONLY STUPID PEOPLE GET PREYED ON!
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